Stalkers

I have already had 2 stalkers in my very short life. I think stalkers are attracted to me because I'm really nice to strangers and like to make them think I'm interested in whatever they're saying, even if I'm not.

I met my first stalker in the spring of 2005 when I was 16 and working at Aeropostale. His name was John and he approached me while I was folding polos one day. He was much shorter than me but seemed to be cool so I gave him my number (I'm so easy, I know. I'm working on it). In the 4 hours between meeting him and the end of my shift, I'd acquired 2 missed calls and 5 text messages from him on my Samsung flip phone. I immediately went into "suffocation mode" which involved me ignoring all communication and hiding behind fixtures anytime he came into the store from that point on. I worked there until 2008. That's a lot of hiding.

In the summer of 2009 I started working at Victoria's Secret in the same mall. Two months after starting, I came into work one day to see STALKER JOHN talking to my manager about working there. After he left (and I climbed out from behind a table of panties) I told my boss not to hire him because he was cray. She told me she'd already hired him and that we would be working in the stockroom together. AHHHHHH!!!! Fortunately I was able to use us working together to my advantage--he had connections with employees of The Pretzel Twister and would bring me a free pretzel every time we worked together. Take notes, ladies. This is how it's done.

My current stalker is a man who I affectionately refer to as Mr. Before & After (details on how he got this nickname in an upcoming post). Mr. B&A is 29, attractive, employed with a great job, and yet he can't get enough of me. Every time he comes to North Carolina he hits me up and wants to "hang out", a.k.a. dick me down. I always--yes, always!--turn him down but he aggressively pursues me and won't take no for an answer. Every few hours I get a "what's up" text and when I ignore those he says "I'm coming to see you", even though I've never once told him where I live. Scary, right? Now that I'm typing this I realize that maybe he's not a stalker because he's never actually found me; maybe he's just obsessed with me. And maybe that's not such a bad thing.