Spanx and the City

Most people think I'm pretty put together. I did well in school, have a full-time job and seem sane so most people think I have my life in order.

Most people are fools.

I am a hot mess. New Years Eve was a perfect example of just how hot of a mess I am.

Monday, 6:00 p.m.
Arrive in Atlanta after making a last-minute decision to spend New Years there with my friends instead of in my apartment, alone, drinking champagne and crying.

Monday, 8:30 p.m.
Pregaming commences. I decide to be classy and drink Patron and Grey Goose.

Monday, 9:00 p.m.
I decide to be "classy" and not wear any underwear. Note: THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. I was going to wear a Spanx but my friends told me I didn't need to (aww!) so I didn't. In my excitement about not needing a Spanx, I forgot to put on underwear. Whoops. The moral of this story is don't drink and dress.

Monday, 9:30 p.m.

Monday, 10:15 p.m.
Leave friend's apartment to go to club, bottle of wine in tow for the 25-minute ride there.

Monday, 10:40 p.m.
Arrive at club with full bladder. Since I don't have on underwear, peeing outside in the bushes is not only an option, it's the best option. I pee some on the bushes, mostly on my foot.

Monday, 10:50 p.m.
Enter club. Immediately find the stage and start dancing on it. Laugh when boys ask me to dance because 1. Usher is playing and I always dance solo to Usher and 2. I just peed on my foot and these boys have no idea.

Monday, 11:40 p.m.
Fall. Hard. Fortunately some nice guys help me up and place me back on the stage where I belong.

Tuesday, 12:00 a.m.
Happy New Year! Make out with the closest person to me, a guy who tells me his name is Marge. He looked like he was from a country that ends in -stan, but he spoke English. I think.

Tuesday, 1:00 a.m.
Get invited to VIP. Take several, several shots with some friends from high school and a white guy named Sanchez who may or may not have roofied me.

Tuesday, 2:30 a.m.
Leave club after an amazing night. Sleep in the backseat the whole way home. Arrive at friend's apartment; trip getting out of the car and land on my back with my feet still in the car. Seriously re-evaluate my life and my decision making skills.

Tuesday, 3:00 a.m.
Take off dress because the sequins are cutting into my skin. Get redressed in appropriate pajamas and go to sleep peacefully!

Tuesday, 3:00 a.m. (for real this time)
Take off dress because the sequins are cutting into my skin. Pass out naked on an air mattress. Friends cover me with a blanket and then proceed to play spades around my body.

Night = fantastic. Next 24 hours = not so much. I have 20+ cuts all over my arms and legs from violently taking off my dress. My booty is bruised from the fall. I have a lip-shaped bruise on my neck (how did that get there?!) Oh, and my hair currently looks like this:

New Years Resolutions

I have had the same three New Years Resolutions for the past couple of years. The reason for this is that I never, ever stick with them past February so naturally instead of re-committing to them I just postpone them until the next year. Below are my three New Years Resolutions for 2013 (and 2012, and 2011, and 2010, and so on and so forth). Feel free to steal them; you will probably be better at them than I will.

Number 1: Shower every day
As much as I would like for this happen, it doesn't. Last year I'm not even sure I showered on New Years Day so that resolution didn't even get off the ground. If I had to guess, I probably shower 330 out of 365 days annually. I'm an Aquarius and love the water so you would think this wouldn't be an issue for me but I am simply not motivated to shower daily. It's time consuming to get undressed, clean, and re-dressed and that whole process seems like such a waste of time if I'm not going anywhere. Come to think of it, I didn't even shower this morning and I had to be somewhere (work). I have no legitimate excuse except that it's a half day so let's move on.

Number 2: Only cry once every three months
I'm not a huge crier, but when I do cry it is bad. Since I don't cry frequently my tear ducts get backed up and when they get triggered they do not stop. For example, last night was the trigger was this really touching montage on The X Factor...twenty minutes later the The X Factor was over and I was still crying, but at that time I was thinking about how my dad broke his elbow and my co-worker's aunt who just died after getting bitten by a spider. While I would like to limit my crying to four times a year, it's impossible because I never know what will set me off. The movie Up, Say Yes to the Dress, the 10:00 news, proposal videos on YouTube, gin, being hungry, being sleepy, goodbyes, and any commercials involving sick children or missing-limbed animals all need to be avoided if this is going to work.

Number 3: Drink less
My birthday is the first week of February so...yeah, no.