Most people are fools.
I am a hot mess. New Years Eve was a perfect example of just how hot of a mess I am.
Monday, 6:00 p.m.
Arrive in Atlanta after making a last-minute decision to spend New Years there with my friends instead of in my apartment, alone, drinking champagne and crying.
Monday, 8:30 p.m.
Pregaming commences. I decide to be classy and drink Patron and Grey Goose.
Monday, 9:00 p.m.
I decide to be "classy" and not wear any underwear. Note: THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. I was going to wear a Spanx but my friends told me I didn't need to (aww!) so I didn't. In my excitement about not needing a Spanx, I forgot to put on underwear. Whoops. The moral of this story is don't drink and dress.
Monday, 9:30 p.m.
Monday, 10:15 p.m.
Leave friend's apartment to go to club, bottle of wine in tow for the 25-minute ride there.
Monday, 10:40 p.m.
Arrive at club with full bladder. Since I don't have on underwear, peeing outside in the bushes is not only an option, it's the best option. I pee some on the bushes, mostly on my foot.
Monday, 10:50 p.m.
Enter club. Immediately find the stage and start dancing on it. Laugh when boys ask me to dance because 1. Usher is playing and I always dance solo to Usher and 2. I just peed on my foot and these boys have no idea.
Monday, 11:40 p.m.
Fall. Hard. Fortunately some nice guys help me up and place me back on the stage where I belong.
Tuesday, 12:00 a.m.
Happy New Year! Make out with the closest person to me, a guy who tells me his name is Marge. He looked like he was from a country that ends in -stan, but he spoke English. I think.
Tuesday, 1:00 a.m.
Get invited to VIP. Take several, several shots with some friends from high school and a white guy named Sanchez who may or may not have roofied me.
Tuesday, 2:30 a.m.
Leave club after an amazing night. Sleep in the backseat the whole way home. Arrive at friend's apartment; trip getting out of the car and land on my back with my feet still in the car. Seriously re-evaluate my life and my decision making skills.
Tuesday, 3:00 a.m.
Take off dress because the sequins are cutting into my skin. Get redressed in appropriate pajamas and go to sleep peacefully!
Tuesday, 3:00 a.m. (for real this time)
Take off dress because the sequins are cutting into my skin. Pass out naked on an air mattress. Friends cover me with a blanket and then proceed to play spades around my body.
Night = fantastic. Next 24 hours = not so much. I have 20+ cuts all over my arms and legs from violently taking off my dress. My booty is bruised from the fall. I have a lip-shaped bruise on my neck (how did that get there?!) Oh, and my hair currently looks like this:
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