Big Boys

Big boys LOVE me. Not big like football-big, built-big... big like FAT. Fat fat fat. It never fails: anytime I go out with my girlfriends and we meet a group of guys, the biggest guy in the group flocks to me like a moth to a flame. I'm not sure if they like me because I look like I can cook or because I have a kind face and they think I'll give them a chance. Whatever it is, the biggest of the big always seeks me out.

If we got married I would be "Vic Ross". Sounds like a good enough reason to me.

To be fair, I love big boys too. They're usually funny, affectionate, and have low self-esteem which pretty much ensures they'll never leave me because they think they can't do any better. So that's good. Those are only a few benefits to being with a big boy; here are some more:

1. You can let yourself go and they can't say anything about it.
I dare any 300+ pound man to tell me that I've put on a few pounds or that I need to lose weight. Child please. I wouldn't entertain that BS from a normal-sized human, let alone a whale.

2. Big guys have an appetite
You can use your imagination here, but I've never met a big guy who didn't enjoy licking his plate clean. Mmmmm.

3. You will always look thin
What's easier than working out and safer than lipo? Standing next to someone huge.

Rob could be 200 pounds. We would never know.

That being said, there are a few downsides to being with a big boy:

1. You have to watch them eat
Big guys are expert eaters. They don't waste time with obstacles like napkins or silverware. They put their elbows on the table and sometimes lick fallen food from their clothes. I know that's a big generalization but we all know someone huge who has done these things so no worries.

2. They breathe hard
Remember that guy from Hey Arnold who always stood behind Helga, breathing heavily until he got punched? Imagine dealing with that all the time but not being able to punch your guy because he's huge and could kill you with his bare hands.

3. You always have to be on top
You can't be on the bottom. You just can't. And being on top is way too much work to keep doing night after night. There's no play wrestling, hot gym teacher/naive student role play, or naked Twister. Not that I'm into those types of things....

4. If you break up with them, they'll think it's because they're fat
Big boys are already riddled with insecurities (yes, even the funny ones) so if you break up with them they'll assume it's because they're fat. And maybe it is. On that note, if you or someone you know has recently broken up with a big boy, send him over to me. I'm always recruiting new members for the Clean Plate Club.