Toddlers & Tiaras

Over the weekend I went to a beauty pageant for toddlers and pre-teens. My four-year-old cousin was a participant, so my mom and I drove up to Winston-Salem to be supportive. As much as I love pageants and things of that nature, kiddie pageants creep me out: the big hair, the fake teeth, the spray tans.... it's all too much for me.

Not my cousin, but close enough.

This pageant was a little more g-rated because the girls weren't allowed to wear make-up or bathing suits. We sat through 100(!!) four to six-year-olds while they pranced around stage in big, poofy dresses. The pageant itself was boring; the best part came after the awards ceremony. Roughly 40 out of the 100 girls got an award for something, whether it was Best Formal Wear, Best Stage Presence, Best Handwriting, etc. The girls who didn't get an award were the real winners in my eyes though: they cried and stormed off as their overweight moms looked on and cried too. How embarrassing. My mom and I chuckled to ourselves as we watched the moms run after their daughters, tears in their eyes and tissues in their hands.

Needless to say, my kids are not allowed to do pageants. They're also not allowed to play sports that I don't want to watch (soccer, baseball, golf). I honestly would rather them be gay than play soccer, only because it would be easier for me to deal with. I'm planning on having twin boys (twins so that I only have to lose the baby weight once, boys so that I can be the only woman in my household and therefore, get all the attention) so hopefully I can mold them into the kinds of athletes I enjoy watching. That's what parenting is all about.

The Second Amendment

A few weekends ago my boyfriend (I know, right?! I finally locked someone down) and I went to the gun range. He loves guns and going to the gun range is a huge stress reliever for him. I was looking forward to partaking in one of his hobbies with him, especially since I've never been to a gun range or shot a gun before. He was so excited to go with me that he woke me up early Saturday morning and said "Get up! We have a long day ahead of us!" How precious.

I wore a bright yellow sweater in order to make sure I didn't get shot accidentally and close-toed shoes because obviously bullets can't penetrate them like they can flip-flops.  We watched a short safety video before picking out a gun during which I almost fainted because it basically convinced me I was going to get shot. The boyfriend picked out a gun for me (a 9mm Beretta) and bought ammo and a target. Meanwhile I stood there with my arms crossed and my knees locked, hoping I would pass out and not have to shoot. We got to our lane and that's when everything went south.

He was explaining all about the safety, loading bullets, etc. and I just burst into tears. I couldn't even hear him between the army of bullets flying around us, our super cute earmuffs, and my deep sobs. Being the great guy that he is, when he saw me crying he wiped my tears (and snot!) and told me it was okay, that I wasn't going to get shot, that I had nothing to worry about, etc. He also whispered, "there's no crying at the gun range, Victoria". I got it together and was able to shoot three rounds; on the fourth round the gun jammed so I set it down and burst into tears again. Long story short, I stood outside while he finished the last 47 bullets.

He was sympathetic, assuring me that it was okay to be scared and that he was proud of me for shooting the gun when I'd never even seen one before. This sympathy lasted about an hour. Afterwards he made fun of me relentlessly and called me a baby and a wimp for DAYS. True love!

This was taken the day after we actually went. I passed off his target as mine for an Instagram photo op. I'm the worst, I know.

Baby Talk

Lately, my 29 year-old boss has insisted on talking to us in a baby voice. Literally--she addresses us how she would address a small child. It drives me absolutely insane and when I don't respond she says "you're not feeling it today?" as if I've been "feeling it" any other day she's done it. Baby talk is reserved for babies, not overqualified employees of a menial 9-5 job. That being said, my dad can't stand baby talk, even towards actual babies. He forbid our family from speaking to my sisters and I in a baby voice when we were babies, which is probably the reason I have so many daddy issues today.

baby v.Lo

Similar to baby talk, here are a couple of things I find completely intolerable:

1. Being read to
I can read. Please don't read to me.

2. Hearing about people's dreams
I loathe when people tell me about their dreams. Saying "Victoria I had a dream last night that you were _____" is fine, but when you go into detail I zone out because I'm not in your head and can't see what you see.

3. Ice chewing
That "crunch crunch" noise is the equivalent to Chinese water torture for me. I will give the accuser serious side eye until they stop, and have also been known to knock over their ice cup "accidentally" just so they can cease. This is my #1 deal breaker in a relationship and also a reason for divorce, in my opinion.

4. People talking over their radio
Blasting the radio--not a problem. Blasting the radio and then yelling over it--problem. Turn your radio down and talk OR keep your radio turned up and stay silent. Blasting the radio and singing along with it is also okay, especially if it's a song I like/know at least 70% of the words to.

Panty Droppers

1. White Boys

 Any or all of the above will suffice.

My first boyfriend was white. Well, I guess technically he's still white, but go with me here. His name was Ronald and we were ten and it was true love--we dated for like two years (an eon in elementary school time). Ronald introduced me to the other side and while I've gone back and forth since, I will always have a special spot in my heart for the fairer race. Lesson learned: once you go white, it's quite alright.

2. Men with Glasses

Not quite.

Ooo wee nothing turns me on more than a man with prescription glasses! So few guys wear glasses that those who actually do come off as brave and confident, two things that really get my juices flowing. Plus, guys who wear glasses instantly look smarter than guys who don't. I feel like I can have great conversations about Tolstoy and thermodynamics with glasses-wearers (not that I actually want to talk about those things, obviously). That being said, there is a time and a place for glasses. Glasses don't belong in the bedroom and completely kill the mood. Take them off when you take off your socks. You will thank me later.

3. Good Grammar

When I stalk a potential mate on the internet, I automatically look at the grammar on their page (yes, even before I look at their photos). If it's terrible, I immediately write them off. If it's good, I immediately start planning our wedding. If you know the difference between your & you're, their & there, and to & too, theirs a great chance your going too score with me.

Note: if you ever notice the grammar in this blog to be incorrect, 1. don't tell me and 2. just assume I'm drunk every time I post and blame it on that.

Father Abraham

This weekend was CIAA weekend in Charlotte, a.k.a. a huge party weekend that brings together a bunch of black people and celebrities from all over the East Coast for the big CIAA basketball tournament. No one actually goes to/cares about the games but rather uses this tournament as an excuse to party.

Friday night I went to this party called "Grits & Biscuits" and was disappointed to find out that they served neither grits nor biscuits there. Someone described the Grits & Biscuits party as "a party where black people with jobs dance like black people without them" which was hilarious and fitting. I came with a group of guys but we got separated a few minutes after arriving to the club. I spent a good ten minutes looking for them but to no avail. Finally, I stopped looking and just stood in a corner, sipping my Red Bull and vodka and trying to look cool even though I was alone. And then I found HIM.

HIM was a white guy--the only white guy in the club. Since he was white I knew he felt out of place and would welcome a hot black girl talking to him. Jackpot. He looked a lot like Macklemore, was 36, and had two Masters degrees (win!) We chatted for awhile but no real sparks flew so I ditched him* and went to find my friends. The rest of the night was fun but uneventful. Unfortunately, we had the HARDEST time finding a cab to take us home so I ended up waiting outside on a curb in 25 degree weather until 3:45 a.m. Not gonna lie, I had a long internal debate about weather I should flash an areola or two to get a ride home. While sitting on the curb a guy yelled out at me "Hey I know you! You work at Chili's!" Long, deep sigh.

Saturday night we went to a club called Phoenix which I've been dying to go to for months. This club was unlike any club I'd ever been to: three stories, multiple DJs, bathrooms and bars popping up everywhere you looked... it was crazy. I felt like I was partying at Hogwarts. Unfortunately, when I got there they were playing reggae music and I HATE reggae. Hate it. They played a reggae version of "Father Abraham" which was honestly the most interesting compilation I've ever heard. I literally stopped and was like, "what the hell... they're really playing Father Abraham in the club". About 30 minutes later, a guy approached me, told me I was beautiful, blah blah, and asked me my name. I gave him my real name (I love my name too much to make up a fake club alias) and asked him for his.

HIS NAME WAS ABRAHAM. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

I died laughing the irony (note: I am not actually sure this constitutes as ironic. Where is Alanis when you need her?) and we ended up exchanging numbers. I've been screening his calls ever since though (can you blame me? His name was ABRAHAM). I met another guy named Tron but didn't even bother with the number exchange because his name was Tron. So that's that.

Solid weekend overall. I got whiplash from a guy swinging his dreads in my face Saturday night and almost died of hypothermia Friday night but what can you do. It felt good to go out and meet people and I can't wait to do it again soon!



*Actually he ditched me. Whatever.

Big Boys

Big boys LOVE me. Not big like football-big, built-big... big like FAT. Fat fat fat. It never fails: anytime I go out with my girlfriends and we meet a group of guys, the biggest guy in the group flocks to me like a moth to a flame. I'm not sure if they like me because I look like I can cook or because I have a kind face and they think I'll give them a chance. Whatever it is, the biggest of the big always seeks me out.

If we got married I would be "Vic Ross". Sounds like a good enough reason to me.

To be fair, I love big boys too. They're usually funny, affectionate, and have low self-esteem which pretty much ensures they'll never leave me because they think they can't do any better. So that's good. Those are only a few benefits to being with a big boy; here are some more:

1. You can let yourself go and they can't say anything about it.
I dare any 300+ pound man to tell me that I've put on a few pounds or that I need to lose weight. Child please. I wouldn't entertain that BS from a normal-sized human, let alone a whale.

2. Big guys have an appetite
You can use your imagination here, but I've never met a big guy who didn't enjoy licking his plate clean. Mmmmm.

3. You will always look thin
What's easier than working out and safer than lipo? Standing next to someone huge.

Rob could be 200 pounds. We would never know.

That being said, there are a few downsides to being with a big boy:

1. You have to watch them eat
Big guys are expert eaters. They don't waste time with obstacles like napkins or silverware. They put their elbows on the table and sometimes lick fallen food from their clothes. I know that's a big generalization but we all know someone huge who has done these things so no worries.

2. They breathe hard
Remember that guy from Hey Arnold who always stood behind Helga, breathing heavily until he got punched? Imagine dealing with that all the time but not being able to punch your guy because he's huge and could kill you with his bare hands.

3. You always have to be on top
You can't be on the bottom. You just can't. And being on top is way too much work to keep doing night after night. There's no play wrestling, hot gym teacher/naive student role play, or naked Twister. Not that I'm into those types of things....

4. If you break up with them, they'll think it's because they're fat
Big boys are already riddled with insecurities (yes, even the funny ones) so if you break up with them they'll assume it's because they're fat. And maybe it is. On that note, if you or someone you know has recently broken up with a big boy, send him over to me. I'm always recruiting new members for the Clean Plate Club.

24

Original post from 2/6/13... I tried to fix a typo and it changed the date of this post to today. My bad.

In honor of today being my birthday, I present a montage of beautiful photos of me:

19th birthday; yes, I made all of my friends wear black so I could stand out more and get more attention (I have daddy issues, what can I say?) This birthday was amazing--we did karaoke at a bar for hours with some other guys who had the same birthday as I. As we exited the bar I stepped in some vomit which pretty much signaled that my birthday was over and the world was not going to revolve around me for another 364 days.

 20th birthday; I rented out a former fraternity house at Wofford and threw a party with two football players who were turning 21 and 22. This birthday is a little hazy, not gonna lie. Look at how many people came though!

 21st birthday; I made my abroad friends wear all black and they did (their people enslaved my people, whatever, we're even). Don't let the smile fool you: THIS WAS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER. I was abroad and homesick and cried for 9 hours straight. Also, I had a birthday dinner and invited my whole program to come. One of my classmates had the nerve to get hit by a car while crossing the street to attend my dinner. What an attention-seeking whore. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive her. 

 My 22nd birthday was on Super Bowl Sunday and it was phenomenal. My friends took advantage of the fact that I still remember most of my cheerleading dances from high school and made me perform them like some kind of circus monkey, which I loved. A few hours before this photo was taken, I tried to do a push up in tights on the counter top in my apartment which resulted in me slipping off of the counter top and bee-lining towards the ground. In an attempt to break my fall, I reached for the oven door handle and fell into the oven. Top 3 most painful things I have EVER experienced (I've hooked up with quite a few black males so that's saying something).

I didn't make my friends wear black for my 23rd. However, I only hung out with black people so it's kind of the same thing.

I'm kidding! For my 23rd I had a huge party at my apartment in Winston-Salem which was a wonderful and terrible idea. The cops came (allegedly) and someone broke my bedazzled birthday wine glass and I drank out of it anyway, cutting my lip in the process. Besides that it was an A+ night. I made electric lemonade, pink panty droppers, and a gin bucket which were a huge hit. Also, no one got hit by a car so that was nice, and more importantly, kept all focus on me.