Baby Talk

Lately, my 29 year-old boss has insisted on talking to us in a baby voice. Literally--she addresses us how she would address a small child. It drives me absolutely insane and when I don't respond she says "you're not feeling it today?" as if I've been "feeling it" any other day she's done it. Baby talk is reserved for babies, not overqualified employees of a menial 9-5 job. That being said, my dad can't stand baby talk, even towards actual babies. He forbid our family from speaking to my sisters and I in a baby voice when we were babies, which is probably the reason I have so many daddy issues today.

baby v.Lo

Similar to baby talk, here are a couple of things I find completely intolerable:

1. Being read to
I can read. Please don't read to me.

2. Hearing about people's dreams
I loathe when people tell me about their dreams. Saying "Victoria I had a dream last night that you were _____" is fine, but when you go into detail I zone out because I'm not in your head and can't see what you see.

3. Ice chewing
That "crunch crunch" noise is the equivalent to Chinese water torture for me. I will give the accuser serious side eye until they stop, and have also been known to knock over their ice cup "accidentally" just so they can cease. This is my #1 deal breaker in a relationship and also a reason for divorce, in my opinion.

4. People talking over their radio
Blasting the radio--not a problem. Blasting the radio and then yelling over it--problem. Turn your radio down and talk OR keep your radio turned up and stay silent. Blasting the radio and singing along with it is also okay, especially if it's a song I like/know at least 70% of the words to.

Panty Droppers

1. White Boys

 Any or all of the above will suffice.

My first boyfriend was white. Well, I guess technically he's still white, but go with me here. His name was Ronald and we were ten and it was true love--we dated for like two years (an eon in elementary school time). Ronald introduced me to the other side and while I've gone back and forth since, I will always have a special spot in my heart for the fairer race. Lesson learned: once you go white, it's quite alright.

2. Men with Glasses

Not quite.

Ooo wee nothing turns me on more than a man with prescription glasses! So few guys wear glasses that those who actually do come off as brave and confident, two things that really get my juices flowing. Plus, guys who wear glasses instantly look smarter than guys who don't. I feel like I can have great conversations about Tolstoy and thermodynamics with glasses-wearers (not that I actually want to talk about those things, obviously). That being said, there is a time and a place for glasses. Glasses don't belong in the bedroom and completely kill the mood. Take them off when you take off your socks. You will thank me later.

3. Good Grammar

When I stalk a potential mate on the internet, I automatically look at the grammar on their page (yes, even before I look at their photos). If it's terrible, I immediately write them off. If it's good, I immediately start planning our wedding. If you know the difference between your & you're, their & there, and to & too, theirs a great chance your going too score with me.

Note: if you ever notice the grammar in this blog to be incorrect, 1. don't tell me and 2. just assume I'm drunk every time I post and blame it on that.